I thought I would sit down and just write about my weekend. I am so filled right now. I feel good. About myself, about my life, my friends. I just feel really good. It’s been a long long time. I am so content. God has taught me so much this weekend.
There are a few things that have really shaped me in the past three days. Every second has had an impact on me, but there are certain moments and people that have just brought me to my knees with the never-ending mercy, goodness, and love of God. I’m just going to write as I think.
God really strengthened Scott and mine’s relationship at Encounter. We were able to have a couple days where we were COMPLETELY focused on God together. Scott was able to expand his faith in a lot of ways I think, and so was I. It was both a very personal experience, and an experience in which God strengthened both of us in each others’ lives. I am so happy that Scott had the opportunity to meet and speak with other Christians, I think it’s really important to his walk that he does this as often as possible. He lives in a dorm at a secular school, and there is a lot of partying and hardly any other Christians on his campus. I’m praying that the experience he had at Encounter would really encourage him to start reaching out to people around him-bother believers and non. Scott’s hearing was restored! Agh. This was so awesome. He has been partially deaf in one of his ears for five years. He was prayed over by a young man at the conference, he felt a pop in his ear, and ALL OF HIS HEARING WAS RESTORED. Hallelujah. Seriously.
The second day of Encounter was extremely challenging for me. Everything said was so necessary and relevant to my life that I am still being convicted two days after the fact. I am learning to quiet myself. Really shut my mouth, and just listen to what people have to say, to what God has to say through those around me, what He is saying constantly through nature and my own heart. I like being quiet. I like listening. I think this is definitely something that is going to stick with me. I have already been so touched by what God spoke into my heart on Saturday, that I can feel my whole life-style changing. Another thing I was very broken over was realizing how much God has put in me the need to help others. I have shut out this need so many times before, put myself first and played the “but look, God, I went through that, I went through this…I don’t see why I need to help that person…” game and turned my face from the people around me who came to me for help. I prayed for them, and I tried my hardest to talk them through their problems, but I never really listened the way God wanted me to, I never really spoke into their lives what I felt He was saying to me about their situation. This goes along with the listening thing. I am learning to be quiet. To sit in the stillness and listen to God before I speak, so that when I do, I can have the right things to say. I want to change people’s lives. I want to help and not hurt, to convict and not condemn. I want to be selfless, truly selfless, and give everything to God. I want to be God’s masterpiece, His master piece, His tool in the lives of others. HERE I AM. And I’m ready to shut up and listen to You. I’m ready to do Your work and speak Your words. I’m ready. Here I am. SEND ME.
Yesterday, I woke up feeling so refreshed from the two days before. I went over to Sean’s at noon to make sandwiches with the Refuge youth group. We went downtown, and handed out almost every single sandwich to a homeless person. Again, I learned so many things yesterday. The first, repeated from the night before, is that I really really love helping people. I love being used by God to reach out to the needy and the poor. I love it. It warms my heart. Brittney and I prayed with a homeless man who said that he was a drunk and couldn’t quit smoking. “I quit all of the other drugs, the cocaine and all that. But I can’t seem to quit the beer…or the cigarettes.” The man was so skinny. Over half of his teeth were gone. But he was so honest with us. I loved it. His smile was so big and he had tears in his eyes after we were finished praying. He looked up at us and said, “Now I’ve got to be honest with you ladies. You need to wash your hands. I have a disease, and I don’t want you to get it.” He showed us a sore on his hand (it was probably just a callus, but it was so kind of him to be that honest with us, concerned about OUR health, and our safety, even though he was living on the street!) I definitely want to do outreaches as often as possible. I felt so full at the end of the day. God answered my prayers in another way last night at youth group. I have felt so lonely lately. I’ve just really needed a friend, someone who would reach out, someone who would show me God’s love. I have Scott and my family, but I’ve been really praying for someone to show me the love that comes from a friend, I need to know that someone can love me just because they do. It’s hard to explain. I grew up in a family where if I hugged my brother for too long or showed too much affection, something was wrong with that relationship. “Love” was shown to me by getting thrown into a wall, or being yelled at by someone two inches in front of my face. As I got older, and the abuse stopped, “love” was displayed in my life by boys using me for sex and then leaving me, by having hands all over me even though I said no. Love has ALWAYS been a sign of I want you, or I need something from you. Scott has shown me how to love romantically in a healthy way. Our relationship is not at all physically based; it stands on God and the love we have for one another is pure. I have learned to love my family in a healthy and Godly way. But I still have struggled with my friendships…especially my friendships with guys. In my mind, if a guy is nice to me, it means he wants something from me. He wants me to do him “a favor”, he wants me to look nice for him, he expects things from me. That’s just how it has always been. I don’t think I have ever had a friendship where I didn’t feel that way. God is changing that for me. God put Sean in my life. Sean is Brittney’s fiancee. He’s such a good guy, rough around the edges from his past, but He gave up everything about His old lifestyle when He started living for Christ. He’s one of those guys that you can just tell really loves God, really and truly adores Him with all of his heart. He’s my youth pastor at the Refuge and last night God used him in my life to show me what it meant to have somebody truly care about me and love me because they did, because He did. In youth group, we wrote letters to ourselves, what we think God would say to us if He Himself were writing the letter. We read them to the group. While we were reading our letters, I was touched so deeply. God used every girl in the room to show His love. I really realized how much I would truly relate to others if I let myself. All the girls in the room struggled with the same things I did: self-esteem, worthlessness, fear, loneliness, etc. I realized that I really am not alone. Becca started crying, and when I looked at her, something welled up inside of me as well. We prayed over Becca, and when we were done, I was still going. I was crying hard. Hard. It’s been a while since I’ve actually let myself cry like that. I didn’t really know what I was crying about. I just felt broken. I felt broken and lonely and I needed a hug. Sean pulled me to him and gave me a hug. He rubbed my back, and just said “It’s ok” over and over again. He pulled away and looked at me. He said “Joy, I don’t even really know you that well. But I know that if I can already love you this much, if seeing you like this already hurts as much as it does, then I KNOW that God loves you. And I KNOW that His heart is broken when you’re hurting like this.” He hugged me again. The kind of hug I haven’t had in a long time, if ever, and said “God thinks you are amazing. He thinks you are awesome and beautiful. He wants to hug you, to wrap you in His arms, just like I am now. God loves you so much, Joy. I love you. It’s ok.” I stopped crying almost immediately. I felt like a hole had been filled in my heart. God has healed yet another part of me. I understand another side of love now. I understand that friendship isn’t about wanting something from someone. It isn’t about expectation or labels or anything that I have though in the past. Friendship is hugs, and hurting with someone, praying with someone, letting them know that they are loved, and saying “it’s ok”. My best friend’s name is Jesus Christ. And He does all of those things for me.
Now, whenever I hurt, whenever I break down, I’ll remember that God is right there saying “Joy, I love you so much. I hurt because you do. It’s ok.”
God is so good.
