Since I can remember, I’ve struggled with self-esteem issues. When I was in elementary school I was quiet and painfully shy. My self-esteem was pretty much non-existent and I got picked on heavily. My classmates would say very mean things to me and I can remember more than once going home to my Mom at the end of the day and sobbing. It wasn’t pretty. Because of being picked on for years, I developed this defense mechanism. In my mind, I was the only one who could protect myself and the only way to ensure that I wouldn’t get hurt was to hurt others before they could hurt me. That manifests itself in saying rude, mean, or critical things to others. I still have this complex. Some days are better than others but for the most part I really do think that most people are out to get me (sounds crazy huh?) and I have found that through dating guys, I’m extremely paranoid and untrusting. I don’t trust myself and I’ve realized that in most of my relationships whether they be friendships or platonic, I’m searching for validiation. I still fear that most people don’t have good intentions and will hurt me.
In college, I struggled with the mask of grief otherwise known as being overly social. My senior year, I became a complete party girl. I used to drink Thursday through Sunday every weekend. If I wasn’t drunk or at at least at three/four parties on the weekends, it wasn’t a weekend. I realize now that I used drinking as a crutch for not properly dealing with things. If I was sad, stressed out, or angry, I would drink to make myself feel better and have a good time. The bad thing was I drank at the expense of acting foolish and saying and doing things I later regretted. I have a glass of wine every now then or one drink but for the most part I try to stay away from heavy drinking. It is still a struggle and temptation for me when I feel emotionally overwhelmed.
I also struggle with fornication. I haven’t done in anything in almost four months now but it is hard. I know that God wants me to abstain and to save myself for marriage which I guess I kinda missed the boat on that one, but want to remain celibate from now until I get married. I just don’t know if I’m really capable of that although I really want to hold out. It’s much easier to not miss something you have never done but harder when you have done it before.
What has helped me personally in the midst of my struggles is Psalm 23. When I was younger, my family would pray this together every night. I have it memorized and whenever I get those moments of weakness it builds me up. Also, usually when I get close to my struggles, I stop and just pray and talk to God. That helps. Just plain conversation. He listens and through all that I have been through I know that he’s always been there, even when I felt alone. I’ve found since I’ve been walking a lot more within the light (Christ) that the Holy Spirit convicts me and speaks to me more. Right before I feel tempted to do wrong or am headed down the path, a still silent voice speaks to me that I can’t ignore.
That’s my piece. It’s important to remember that we’re all human and we will mistakes and fall short. None of us will ever be perfect, no matter how hard we try. It is only through Jesus’ grace and mercy that we are built up again, no matter how many times we fall.
Nneka
